How to be a real man



It's always a comfort to know a place called home, where we come to relax, to be loved and nurtured, cherished and guided. That's family life at its best. Yet, some folks know neither joy nor warmth in family life, but only hostility and loneliness. Many people are hurting these days, so it is little wonder we have lost our courage to care. As families disintegrate and modern society distract us from the imperative to care for one another, how do we lay a foundation for the renewal of personal and collective courage? We need heroes and role-models, and in an era when the popular culture glorifies anti-heroes, there is a more compelling need than ever to encourage good people to teach by example how to live.

In America, we have developed the habit of demolishing heroes and role-models if they have the slightest character imperfection. We have seen sportsmen, actors and politicians hailed as heroes until the media discover something unsavory; then the role-model is negated and extra degrees of cynicism are created. The media bear a tremendous responsibility for marginalizing and ridiculing the Christian way of life, and for promoting false heroes and dubious role-models. Too few voices of good are heard, and the resulting levels of crime, fear, despair and emotional detachment are all too apparent. Yet we all have imperfections. If you want perfect people, try another planet. Rather than waste time searching for perfection, surely it is better to observe how people deal with their flaws, and refuse to allow a "thorn in the flesh" to prevent them from developing their God given talents or from fulfilling their true destiny.

We need role-models and we need each other; a society seeking alternatives to dependence on government programs needs good role-models to teach us the way to solve problems ourselves. No government handout can imitate the love of God, though well-meaning Christian liberals often confuse the roles of the church and the government. Jesus taught us to go in His name to the poor, the hungry and the sick, that they might believe in Him, not to refer their case to bureaucrats in the Department of Deserving Cases. As Marvin Olasky wisely asks: "Do we want to be agents of change or agents of spare change?" If we are to reduce the role of governments, we must be willing to act individually to help others by addressing the real issue. Good stewardship demands that we devote time, money and talents to real solutions, not false ones. We need good role-models to inspire us. And we must learn how to be whole.

One precious function of the family is to nurture, a role which many have neglected in the struggle to maintain daily equilibrium. The difficulty men have in showing gentleness was articulated by the poet James Kavanaugh in his book "Maybe if I loved you more" (New York: E.P. Dutton Co., 1982):

Women gather ... Free to chat of impotent husbands and not quite forgotten lovers, Sharing dreams with old or new friends and confiding desperation, Baring souls and unburdening hearts, Then leave relaxed and laughing, Promising to lunch again soon, Freed from the pain of no one knowing.

Men gather ... Free to boast of the money they've made or will make soon-or the women, Displaying how strong and controlled they are and unafraid of competition, Sharing triumphs and hiding themselves, Then leave with a handshake and "See you around," Bleeding silently within themselves, Bearing the pain of no one knowing.

Men and women alike need friends and intimates, heroes and role-models. Why is General Colin Powell so popular? Not because everyone agrees with his every utterance, but because he is a man of sincere warmth. Even men feel comfortable unburdening themselves to him. Why is 'The Waltons' still a popular television show? Because it models a family that solves real problems honorably and ethically. We all need a good talk and a good cry now and then, and we all need someone to validate those feelings.

Ralph Waldo Emerson described a friend as "a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud." It is particularly important to pause at this special time of the year to consider the really important things of life. As the attractions of materialism and superficiality recede, we are left to address a basic question with sincerity: what does it really mean to be a person in God's image? It had always been assumed that men and women knew their places and what God expected them to do, and the received wisdom was that this societal structure was good for all eternity:  men alone should earn money for the family, and women alone have use of the vacuum cleaner and the cooker, under the assumption that God's real preference for society is the middle-class western family unit. This sounds more like the sentiments of the song "Tradition" in "Fiddler on the Roof" than either biblical principles or modern society. The family unit that has dominated this century has diminished and no amount of pretense, clenched teeth or misinterpreting the Bible will reverse the process. We need role-models to show us the way forward.

In the past, men believed they could please God by waging war, and the results have included inquisitions, crusades and pogroms, and those who wage 'Holy Wars' still believe God is on their side! War is not holy. It is utterly dreadful and must be used only very sparingly. Jesus taught that there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends, but simplistic interpretation of that teaching has camouflaged the fact that war is about killing our brothers and sisters. Jesus urged his followers to seek peace, not acting as a doormat, but seeking ethical, appropriate solutions.

Often, competition of ideologies or competition for power or territory lies at the root of disputes. And who are the competitors? Well, put it this way: how many wars have you heard about that were started by women? Is competitiveness 'just one of those things' or is it fostered by insecurity, fear and self-doubt? If so, who can heal those wounds of the soul? God is the Great Healer. He can and does heal our painful memories and hurt feelings if we ask Him. God works through His people, and we serve Him best when we set a good example, and when we affirm and nurture each other, and that only happens when we stop competing and start acting as brothers and sisters, role-models and heroes to each other. If we remain devoted to competitiveness, we are only half the people we could become, half-free, half-whole and half-human.

Competitiveness, machoism and aggression have left the world bereft of the best life has to offer, and have brought division, death, depression, starvation and destruction. We might not resolve all these problems overnight, and a new sensitivity might not be the automatic answer to all the world's evils, but it would be difficult to make things much worse. If "laying down one's life" means something different from being killed in war, might it mean that Jesus intends us to abandon our competitiveness and to look past our imperfections to appreciate the good in each other? Women compete too, but suppose men decided to withdraw from the race against one another, would we know what to say to each other? Competitiveness is so ingrained. At the age of fifteen, men compare the size of their genitals. At thirty, we compare the size of our automobiles. At fifty, we compare the size of our corporations. And a few men, very few, arrive at the age of seventy only to realize that all the competing has been a waste of time and energy. It finally dawns on some that they can't take any of it with them. Sorry, not even the genitals! Then, and only then, some men's thoughts turn to nurturing others, usually their grandchildren. Yet, maybe the time has come when we need to do this kind of thinking in our twenties rather than our seventies, and thus help to transform the lives of those around us, liberating them from the bondage of peer pressure and the pointless imperative to compete. Can men move beyond competitiveness?

First, they need to learn how to be real men. The problems begin in Middle School these days, as young men are often forced to obey a female teacher. That's wrong and it sets a bad example. ALl through high school, young people are brainwashed to believe that there's no difference between the sexes, and anyone who thinks otherwise is sexist. It's little wonder that, a few years later, these same young people, still believing there's no difference, want to marry their same-sex friend. It's time for us to revert to men teaching boys, and women teaching girls.

At the same time, men must make an effort, with encouragement from the women in our lives, to become real men. What should a good father, mentor, hero or role-model teach his son, brother, friend or pupil? (This obviously applies to women too, but I have no first-hand knowledge of being a woman!) We gladly acknowledge the inspiration of Dr. Charles Stanley in compiling this list of seven principles.

The seven roles of a father, brother or mentor

First, he must be a spiritual guide, lovingly teaching a balanced reality of God. Some see God as a distant, angry being, but we who know Him as our Lord understand the joy of intimacy with Him. "The word became flesh and dwelt among us full of grace and truth." (John 1: 14) A line from a famous Christmas song goes: "He rules the world with truth and grace." Some folks teach all truth and no grace or all grace and no truth, but balance means equal amounts of both: there is a standard; God provides us with help to meet it and His loving forgiveness when we fail. He shows us how we are to treat others.

Secondly, he must teach a moral foundation. Though public personalities have shown otherwise, there are moral absolutes, a difference between right and wrong, and consequences for every decision.

Thirdly, in an era in which people are routinely tossed in the garbage by others, he must teach how relationships function based on unselfish, loving concern, and how to summon that deep generosity of spirit that brings forth genuine compassion, encouragement and nurture to our sons, brothers and friends. Some men may be terrified at the prospect of this kind of closeness and eschew it as effeminate and showing vulnerability, but many have long desired it. It hurts to love, but it hurts less than living in an emotional vacuum devoid of real relationships.

Fourthly, he must teach his son, brother or pupil how to choose the right vocation. The Latin word voca means 'calling'. What is God calling us to do with the gifts and talents has He given us? Fifthly, he must teach financial responsibility and good stewardship of resources. Most wealthy people are wise enough to buy basic needs when they are discounted and they clip coupons too. John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, said: "Gain all you can; save all you can; give all you can, for there is real joy."

Sixthly, he must teach authority. Today, the structure of authority has largely broken down because many of those entrusted with it - politicians, teachers, police and judges - have become corrupt and have badly abused it. Nonetheless, authority is sent by God and we must respect it even if the present circumstances cause us to oppose the contaminated version of it we currently see before us.

Finally, our fathers, brothers, mentors, heroes and role-models must teach the characteristics of self-acceptance, self-esteem and belonging through affirmation and nurture. Every young person longs for the affirmation of another person, and if it is missing, demons will quickly rush to fill the gap.

Into The Unknown

We are looking for words to express a relationship which hardly exists, an intimacy between people, parents and children, brothers and sisters, friends, pupils and mentors. Verbs come tumbling towards us: build up, care, cherish, comfort, cultivate, empower, enable, encourage, enhance, foster, help, improve, nourish, protect, promote, provide, serve, strengthen, support, sustain and uphold. The words we use matter less than whether we can do the necessary thinking in our twenties and thirties so that our lives can be devoted to nurturing rather than competing with others, thus following more closely the example of Jesus. Maybe we can describe a whole person as one who has renounced competitiveness and who instead acts with humility and unselfishness, taking real joy in the achievements of others, and who encourages others in practical and creative ways, thereby empowering, inspiring and assisting them to achieve and emulate the nurturing behavior. Of course, women have always known all this, so they may be mildly amused at men grasping to understand the concept of nurturing for the first time!

If we wish to see society transformed, one difficulty is the scarcity of role-models. If we want the supreme example, we have to look no further than Jesus, whose birth we celebrate at this time of the year. He took twelve men from trades as diverse as tax-collecting and fishing, cared for their needs and taught them how to care for others. Despite their frequent squabbles, misunderstandings and endless competing with one another, Jesus continued to teach and to nurture them. He was concerned about their daily well-being as well as their eternal salvation. He never missed an opportunity to teach the disciples to copy his example of caring. Even on the night before he was betrayed, he told the disciples to organize the Passover meal (Matthew 26:17-18). Even the Messiah Himself was sufficiently concerned about practical details to arrange the feeding of the five thousand, and simultaneously to teach the disciples an example of caring behavior (Mark 6: 30-44). He always seized opportunities to comfort and care for those he encountered, even washing the disciples' feet - and ending with the imperative to do the same to others (John 13: 1-17). He sent out the disciples, not with a competitive system of incentives, but empowering each one equally to heal the sick, raise the dead and to preach the good news of God's salvation.

Is it conceivable that people who have spent years in business might renounce competitiveness to live a life of service to others and make enemies into friends? Might fathers draw close to their sons, and replace the superficiality that has typified father-son relationships with a sincerity that will transform generations to come? A glimpse at the sad young men on any college campus in America will reveal many chronic cases of "father-hunger", unaffirmed individuals who suffer in record numbers from depression and drug and alcohol addiction and who even try suicide to relieve the pain of isolation and to escape from the undefined void in their lives left by silent fathers who failed to tell their sons the things they needed to hear.

Fathers who have been so remiss in affirming their sons because they were not themselves affirmed, might find affirmation from their friends and mentors, and transmit it to their sons. Brothers might come to see one another not as competitors for a limited amount of resources and affection, but as allies eager to serve "honoring one another above yourselves" (Romans 12:10). And maybe the fear of closeness between men might be understood and eliminated at last. Could it be? Could our generation break the stereotypes of generations past, and seize the opportunity to break through conventional barriers? "Rough work, iconoclasm," said Oliver Wendell Holmes, "but the only way to get at truth". We cannot do anything to change the past but we can do everything to change the future. Are these just idealistic dreams for men who even feared eating quiche? Actually, real men don't have the time to eat quiche. They are too busy serving it to others.

We must learn to trust God's wisdom and love enough to renounce the fear that causes competitiveness, dishonesty and insincerity, so that we might be transformed into the whole people He intends us to be. As we discard old, selfish notions of living, we awaken to bring the gifts of intuition, sacrificial living and nurturing to a world crying out for them. How much longer must we silently cry? Do we have the will and perception to initiate the process publicly enough to set an example and the courage and finesse to do it privately enough to be effective among those around us? Jesus provides us the perfect example: He was on the most intimate terms with his Father and His disciples.

It takes an act of the masculine will to start the process of change. May God's blessings of peace, joy and guidance be yours as you walk the road ahead. Steve Myers © 1996, 2004, 2006